My story, which was once always in the corner of my mind, has now completely consumed me. As I'm writing, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm not suited for a "9 to 5" job. This story is all I have, it's all I want. It is the essence of my final tie to humanity, it is the struggle for hope.

Atlus reflects my soul, and my ambitions. Atlus Eindigen, the ender of worlds. the true iconoclast, my savior.

My only hope is that when this story is done, it will open the eyes of the world, and challenge it's beliefs.

I am losing my sense of time.; no longer feeling the effects of days, hours, minutes. Time is constantly expanding and contracting around me like a ceaseless ebb.

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I don't feel human anymore. I don't care about any ties to the human genus.

They say depression is when you lose all drive, motivation, lose any interest in things you love, when you never feel happy or excited, and when you're excessively tired. If this is what depression is, then I am none of those. Yes, I have lost all drive and motivation to strive for excellence and something 'more.' Yes, I have lost interest in things I once loved. Yes, I have not felt happy or excited for a long time. All of these things should say depression, but I've found something more. Something beyond comprehension or anything I can explain cohesively through words.

The only thing I feel anymore is a desire to be one with the universe, to drift endlessly through space. The quiet, the void, the peace. I've always felt so out of place among this world, and now I understand that humans share a common trait with another creature on this planet: Viruses. Throughout history, humans have never been one with the universe as other living creatures of this planet have. Humans are plagues that take all that they can from their host, the earth, leeching off of it until there's nothing left to take from... then move on to the next place in a struggle to survive. Humans have done nothing but disrupt the harmony of life, leaving unnecessary death in the wake. I said before that humans share a trait with viruses, however, that would imply that viruses are as horrible as humans. This is not the case. While it's true that viruses live off of their host, viruses keep the balance of the universe. Humans disrupt this balance, causing extinction to other species of life.

I can't find my peace anymore...everything is just a lie.

Beyond the Boundries of the Hourglass.

A strange thing is happening, something I had hoped for but never really expected. I am finding the further I push myself away from material possessions, and the longer I do it for, the less I want them.

I just spent $250 close to a week ago on a video game accessory. Now that it's arrived, and I have it, I wonder why I bothered to purchase it in the first place, and have opted to sell it just as fast as I have received it, along with the game it was intended for.

It's amazing how fast this change is happening, and it's a very welcome experience. I feel like I'm the narrator of Fight Club, experiencing what it's like to remove distractions from your life, then finally stepping outside the box and abandoning it all for something you believe to be better, and more worthwhile.

I am Jack's enlightened mind.

Is what I'm doing the way to find peace of mind, and peace of inner self? I'm not sure, but I've gone beyond the point of no return. I no longer desire the life I am breaking free from. I've seen great things beyond the confines of this consumerist Americana, and it is no longer enslaving me. Where I go from here is territory where the maps of old have been destroyed and the footsteps in the sand erased by the waves of change. I will decide my own ideals and start anew. This is my contribution to the world, this is the legacy I will leave behind.

Life Regrets

"Everyone regrets something in their life, it's human nature."

My friend brought up an interesting point. In a random late night discussion about tattoos, he said to me, "I don't have anything against them, but I just don't know a person who got one that didn't end up regretting it later." In response to this, I commented, "I don't regret anything I do in life, so I'll be fine." He called me out on this, claiming that 'everyone regrets something in their life, it's human nature.' Naturally, my HSP nature kicked in and I immediately started analyzing everything in a grande perspective. 

Now, I am a firm believer in fate; I believe that everything both the good and bad happen to make us grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. You see, to regret something is to feel sorrow or remorse for an event that occurred which I believe is accepting defeat. I do not feel remorse about anything that has happened in my life for better or worse, as I know I can and should apply it to myself.  

Is time over for you? Is it too late for you to do something about it? Should you even try to do something about it or let the event unfold as it was to be told? No matter what happens, to feel remorse for it would be a waste, and in my opinion, be accepting defeat.

My friend happened to mention, "Don't you regret not going to art school?" And the truth is, I do not regret it, because to regret that would imply I am remorseful about not attending back then. I hate the idea of 'living in the past,' it distracts from the now. I have said this before, I am a creature of change. If I regret something, to me that means I have given up, that means I have stopped growing and evolving, and the rest of my life will become meaningless, and I refuse to live by those terms.

But you might say, "what if your last words to your father or mother before they died was, 'I hate you,' or 'I never want to see you again,' or what if you loved your parents but didn't hug them and kiss them goodbye for the last time before they departed from this earth?" That does seem like something to regret in your life, but I encourage you to explore the idea further: If your father or mother died and your last words were harsh and bitter thoughts and feelings towards each other, the only thing you can do is be assured that you loved them still and they loved you still, regardless of petty arguments and quarrels you may have had. If you 'regret' not kissing them goodbye before they died, you know in your heart the idea and the love was there, you still have the memories of them regardless, feel blessed for what you have been given, and know things always could've been worse. These events happened for a reason to help you grow, do not shut the ideas out, but take them and apply them to your life. If you feel your last words with your parents were bitter, treat your children or friends better sharing the love that you forgot to give, stay at peace of mind.

If anyone regrets anything they've done or haven't done, I implore you to rethink what you want out of your life, because obviously you've missed something far greater than just an opportunity at something, you've been missing out on the rest of your life. We live and we learn; Life is a growing experience. Do not regret what happened, apply it to your life proudly, it will make you stronger.

"Regret nothing, challenge everything."

"The Things You Own, End Up Owning You"

"How do I obtain happiness?"

This question has haunted me for lifetimes it seems. I've never been satisfied with the way I live my life; always worried about what the future holds, and this constant fear has limited my perceptions to what life truly is. This was not self wrought, this was generations of people with the fear of insecurity forcing their influence and settlement on us.

"You need a job." "You need medical insurance incase of an injury." "Save your money." "You should get these new video games." "Wouldn't a new car be great?" "How will you afford school?" "You need to prepare for your future." "You should buy this." "You should wait." "Better safe than sorry." "You could have this if you saved your money."

"This is the way to lead a full life."

It's taken me years to come to an answer, but I finally see through it all. "Return it all to nothingness." Everything I've bought and added to my life has done nothing but made me happy temporarily. These material possessions we so desperately cling onto, hoping to make our lives a little more satisfying blind us from what truly matters and what is truly there to bring peace and happiness to our lives. And even worse is now we don't know how or want to rid ourselves of them.

Video games, toys, expensive cars, the latest technology, DVDs, CDs, brand name clothes, expensive furniture, decorations; these are all possessions that inhibit our view and excitement of life. We are a consumerist economy, working long hours at jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need. We have become so dependent on these useless objects that they themselves have become who we are. We no longer know how to enjoy or experience life without them, and because of them we become jealous of others, sacrifice ourselves for them, and even start wars over them. 

Are we defined by what we own, or are we defined by who we are as a person. I used to think the latter, but the line giving us a clear view into ourselves has been skewed by the former. I no longer want any part of this greed or this vicious cycle taking me further and further away from what I want out of life, what I have come to know life to be.

I've been corrupted. For so long I've not known what to do with my life, both scared of how the choices I make will be the "only path" I'm allowed to travel on, and scared of how I will be able to get there. No longer. These distractions and worries are a hinderance that are preventing me from enjoying life. Many people have asked, "What's your plan in life, what do you want to achieve through this?" I believe the answer is simple, 

There is no plan, the only constant is to live.

What else is there? Is it better to die at an elderly age, safe and secure with your nice home, nice family, nice car, and stable income? Or is it better to die young, having experienced hundreds of cultures, religions and lives that could not be fully appreciated taking it in mediocrity? I refuse to subject myself to the safeties and securities that others cling to with their lives. I refuse to let experiences pass me by, and I refuse to be held back by family, finances, or petty fear. 

Let me tell you who I am:

I am a product of change. I've never been able to decide on a career choice that will be my 'life career.' Because of this, I've become lost in translation, stuck  in the inevitable consumeristic cycle.  The thought of stagnation in anything leads me to failure. I am restructuring my life to remove worldly possessions i desire, cherish, and strive for; it is only a distraction. I now realize that everything I do, the people I associate with and the items I buy are all worthless distractions. They distract from the now, they distract from what I truly desire: simplicity, peace of mind, and above all, change. I now realize that life is an experience that can not be appreciated through any of these mediums. 

I'm tired of living the way I've been living, and I'm tired of being too big of a pussy to do anything about it. I'm tired of worrying about what might happen, and I'm tired of being a slave to safety. It gives me nothing I want, and satisfies me in the least bit. It's time to move on. 

Waiting to exhale...

It's been building up for too long, now. I've been holding back this frustration of stagnation, waiting to exhale. There are times when this cage of repetition begin to eat away at my soul. I am a creature of change, a product of beginnings which is unwillingly chained to securities and routines meant to pave the future. I refuse to see life through a haze of mediocrity and securities. I will be damned if I die old and safe instead of young and full of life. I'm tired of being told to be safe...

I want to fucking LIVE.

Give me life, give me possibilities and the uncertainties of adventure. Let me survive by a single thread so I may experience what it is in this world that makes it worth exploring.